I Don't Want to be "That Mom"

With the help of my friend, I set this site up in January of 2016. There it sat for the last 17 months, empty and unloved until today. You see, I am not a writer. I don't follow any writing rules, I have a million things to write, but I've never written them down until today.

On May 8th, 2017 my son died. I'm still buried under deep grief but at the same time I am filled with fierce love for him.

My son was 14 and he took his own life. And in that same final moment I lost my life as well.

The fact that Ian ended his own life, is in such stark contrast to the life he lived for the last 14 years. He was a bright, affectionate, adventuresome kid. We was well loved by all his friends, liked by all of his teachers and adored by his family. No one knew he was hurting. He never gave us a chance to help him...to save him. We wont ever know why this happened to him and to us.

I don't want to be strong, I just want him home. I don't want to learn to live with this or breathe a new breath, I just want to cradle that sweet boy in my arms. I don't want to be this kind of mom. I'm not supposed to be "that mom. I don't want to hide from familiar faces to avoid sympathetic glances. I don't want to take the long way home so I don't have to drive by "that place". I just want him here. With me.

I don't want teen suicide to be my platform...but it is.

In his final moment Ian chose to speak of love and life and for each of us to "Live Hard!". We want every young kid who is affected by grief, sadness or feels alone that the emphasis is on LIVE.